Saying no to things makes me squirm. Uncontrollably. It makes me feel icky that I may be turning down something that’s super important to a friend. Or, when I was a part of the work world, something that may have gotten me more pay, improved skills, or a promotion.
Why? Well, for the longest time I’ve been a people pleaser. Sadly, it’s something society has led women to believe they have to be; to be a people pleaser no matter what they may be sacrificing. I’m also a mediator of sorts. I don’t like confrontation and prefer keeping the peace. Am I a pushover? HECK NO. I just don’t like shouting matches, they’re unproductive.
But, to be honest, I don’t like being a people pleaser. Partly because I feel others take advantage of my generosity and partly because 90% of the time I want to scream NO NO NO! I don’t want to do that! NO dammit!
Secretly, in my brain it goes like this:
Welcome to the beautiful land of NO. A wonderful and magical place where you’re allowed to say NO all the time. Let that raging, maniacal beast out – shout NO! PMSing? Shout NO, NO, NO whilst dancing like a crazy gypsy around the person who even dared to ask you to add yet another project or social engagement to your calendar.
Regardless of how much you’d secretly love to re-enact this in real life, sadly, you can’t. A blunt “no” and/or dancing like a demon around your friend will leave you with, yes you guessed it, no friends. And, after 40 years on this planet, I’ve learned there is something to be said about a woman who has etiquette and manners – she’s usually positive and a joy to be around.
Last week, I had a ‘no’ moment. I wanted to go to an event with my besties but I had to say no to part of it. And let me say, I’ve learned that giving excuses is a gateway for everyone to try to fix your life’s problems.
How to Say No Graciously
The Initial NO
While you may want to give a firm NO or shout it from a mountaintop, please don’t. It’s not gracious at all and comes off bitchy. That’s how one loses friends and irritates co-workers.
If you have to answer right away, pause, collect your thoughts, and start with a simple, “No, I’m sorry I can’t.”
If you are undecided whether you want to go or have time to commit to the project or event, offer a “I’m not sure I can, let me check my calendar and get back to you.”
When offering your initial ‘No’, it’s important to understand:
Why do you want to say no?
What’s currently in your calendar and/or how many projects and other events are you committed to?
You and your values. (time, money, interest level, does it conflict with your lifestyle?)
Don’t Make Excuses
Excuses open the door for others to solve your problem for you. So do your best to steer clear. At the same time, keep in mind that a blunt NO is harsh. You’ll need to provide some context but stay out of the TMI (too much information) zone. The TMI zone opens you up to all sorts of problem solving endeavours, guilt trips, and other wonderful emotional journeys. That’s not what you’re after.
I recently made the mistake of offering a: “No, I’m sorry I can’t afford it.” Gracious? Yes. Built in Excuse? Yes. Which, of course, opened up the door to my friends offering to pay. This, inevitably makes me feel awful and like I’m mooching off friends.
Use the KISS rule: Keep it simple stupid or you’ll end up with friends trying to persuade you.
If this does happen, It’s okay to resist someone trying to change your mind. Simply stand your ground graciously.
Saying NO more than once
Yes, this will happen. Especially if your initial “no” has an excuse built-in. And sometimes, people will try to convince you that attending is in your best interests. While pushing someone to give a “yes” or giving you the third degree is rude and insensitive, continue to be gracious.
If friends or co-workers pressure you, simply repeat your initial response:
“No, I’m sorry I can’t.” or “I’m really sorry, my schedule is full.”
Or, accompany your “no” with a positive remark:
“No, but thanks for offering.”
“No, but thanks for thinking of me.”
“No, but thanks for asking.”
While you don’t want to lie, you don’t want to bring in excuses either.
According to the Emily Post institute, “Honesty is one of the bedrock principles of good manners. The simple ‘No thank you’ learned in childhood should be part of every adult’s daily vocabulary.” So the next time you’re faced with the decision to turn down an offer, project request, or girls night out invite, remember that “no” is necessary, but it’s how you deliver the message that counts.